You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
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Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
Is this you?
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough