You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
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– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.