You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.

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People who carry their dogs around,

You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs


I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.


If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek


I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.

Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.


Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?

Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.


[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?


Logged into Facebook.

‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’

Logged out of Facebook.


[both kids on my lap]

Me:This is so nice

5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.

M: I carried you for 9 months!

4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?


*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.