@mynameisntdave People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
@AngieDavisHaha You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
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@mynameisntdave 
@slimmy_shady I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
@bridger_w If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
@sexncake I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
@Rollinintheseat Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
@jackiembouvier [First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
@rachiecandice Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
@Angibangie [both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
@KyleMcDowell86 *puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
@KateWhineHall Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!