You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
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me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.