You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
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An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
For when Tinder doesn’t work
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Brilliant!
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”