@noog

You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.

You Might Also Like

@notalogin

How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.

@murrman5

“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”

@velvettusk

My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”

@Reba_aa

I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..

and softly whisper…

“I’ll do your housework for you”

@JohnLyonTweets

I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.

@notalogin

[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.

@audipenny

i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off

@YoungNobler

Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate