You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
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The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*