– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
You Might Also Like
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.