You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
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EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.