You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
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Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
😂🤣😂🤣
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows