“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
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Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you