You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
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I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten