You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
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This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.