You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
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My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me