You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
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You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
My beach vacation Google searches
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”