“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
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There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
The USS B port
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.