you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
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There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror