You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
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a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.