You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
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I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?