You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
You Might Also Like
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying