You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
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[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these