You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
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You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Chicken bread
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.