You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
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Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.[buys a single banana]
87,000,000 fruit flies.
Email translations:
“I was under the impression”
Translation: I’m furious“As per my email”
Translation: I’m furious“With respect”
Translation: I’m furious“Whilst I appreciate”
Translation: I’m furious“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Translation: I’m furious“As previously discussed”
Translation: I’m furious
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”