You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
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Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.