You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
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#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
🤣🤣🤣
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons