You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
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I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Toasters aren’t governed by that little dial.
They have free will.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Wife gets so many weird docs from doctors and insurance companies.
One is notorious for “click here to get emailed for password good for five minutes” password sent next day
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy