You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
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[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
worst…sale…ever
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.