You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
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Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Natural selection at its finest
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you