You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
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Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
These are my emotional support Pringles.
anyone else like Italian cereal
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
*frowns in Scottish*
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck