You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
You Might Also Like
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics