@Marcmywords2

You had me at “define legal”.

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@Inconsteveable

If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.

@VeganZebra

*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*

@Reverend_Scott

Me: I’m too scared to fly

Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash

Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?

@Social_Mime

If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”

@Mom_Overboard

[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD

@1followernodad

the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”

@TheAlexNevil

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.