You had me at “define legal”.

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If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.


*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
*the tattoo disappears*


Me: I’m too scared to fly

Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash



If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”


[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD


the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”


If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.