You had me at “define legal”.
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I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Name another movie that mislead you?
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Wednesday
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes