You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
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Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
i actually laughed 😩
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.