You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.

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Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay


*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.


Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.


Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already


If you love someone, let them go.

If they don’t come back, get a dog.


Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.


Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.


On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.

You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*


MIDWIFE crisis!