@mellimelle

You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.

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@jonmsutton

Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay

@heidi420x

*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.

@ShittyComedian

Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.

@mariana057

Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already

@3sunzzz

If you love someone, let them go.

If they don’t come back, get a dog.

@birbigs

Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.

@Firawesome

Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.

@breatheandlove

On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.

You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*

*mumbles*

MIDWIFE crisis!

(…sorry.)