@mellimelle
@jonmsutton Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
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@jonmsutton 
@heidi420x *forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
@difficultpatty Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
@ShittyComedian Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
@mariana057 Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
@3sunzzz If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
@birbigs Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
@Firawesome Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
@breatheandlove On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
@Proxic0n Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.