You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
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If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
guys i’ve cracked the code
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens