You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”

– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters

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The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.


My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up


I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.


These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.


*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit


So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.


i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’


Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.


Coworker: did you have a good weekend?

Me: obviously not since I came back to work.