@BlindChow

You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”

– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters

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@trevso_electric

The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.

@NikkiReimer

My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up

@TheBoydP

I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.

@VibesBummer

These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.

@DanMentos

*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit

@jctwritesstuff

So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.

@MorphineDreamzz

i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’

@thedad

Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!

@iinkedZombie

Coworker: did you have a good weekend?

Me: obviously not since I came back to work.