You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
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“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
A man of commitment.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79