you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
You Might Also Like
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Hmmmmm
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.