“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
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Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
In space, no one can hear…
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Lmao
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”