You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
You Might Also Like
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine