“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
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Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍