“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
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Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
water it, i dare you
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”