You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
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I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?