‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
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That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
#ParentingFacts
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
you have three unread messages
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?