You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
You Might Also Like
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”