You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
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[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
greetings!
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.