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5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Rare photo of two submarines racing
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.
his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”