You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
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WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Dolls on drugs
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.