You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
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I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Is this a threat?
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?