You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
You Might Also Like
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show: