You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
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One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”