You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..

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Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.


You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?


The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco


Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?

Mom: What did I just say?!?

Kid: Don’t you remember?


I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.


Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.


If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.


I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.

“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”

*pulls the plug*


Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.


lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”