You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
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First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.