You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
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[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
how it started vs how it ended
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.