“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
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i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Hello, my name is Pierre.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.